Someday When I'm Quarantined

         Time management experts advise us to break big jobs it into small tasks. In other words, if you don't have time to read the whole book, read the last page. If you don't have time to wash all the dishes, wash a bowl and a spoon for your ice cream. And if you don't have time to clean the whole closet, clean one shelf. I took this advice to heart once, and for a short time, I had one very clean shelf. A few months later I had a different clean shelf. I just wish I could have had them both at the same time.

            Someday, when I have more time; when I'm quarantined or under house arrest for a few months, I will clean my closets, every shelf. I'll clean out under the beds too. Maybe then I'll find my missing car keys, my missing sweatpants, and my missing diamond ring. I'm kidding! I've never had a diamond ring. But if I ever find one in my closet, I'm keeping it.

            It may take a flashlight and spelunking gear to do it, but someday when I have more time, I'll clean my kitchen cupboards, too. And I hope I find my favorite paring knife--and maybe my car keys. I doubt I'll find the sweatpants there though--or the diamond ring.

            Someday, I'll dig out my stack of mending—though I may not mend any of it. If I recall correctly, much of the mending is my son's and he's not the same size he was when I started the stack. I'm not, either. 

            Someday, when I'm quarantined or under house arrest, I'll put all my photos into photo albums. I'm proud to say, I kept up with this project for many years. But gradually, the stack of photos started to mount—just not into albums. The digital revolution came along just in time to keep the box from overflowing onto the floor. But now, when I have more time, I'll have to organize all the photos on my computer, too.

            Someday, I'll clean out my filing cabinet and wish again that the size of my investments and insurance coverage were proportional to the amount of paperwork I receive about them.

            Someday, I'll take up my guitar again, much to the annoyance of anyone quarantined with me.

            Someday, when I have more time, I'll clean my refrigerator. Of course, now would be a good time to clean it since there's nothing in it.

            Someday, when I'm quarantined or under house arrest, I'll catch up on my reading, though I might skip all my magazines published prior to 2005.

            Someday, I’ll learn to use all the features on my cell phone and all the options on my microwave. I will finally master the trick for putting letterhead in my printer correctly. And I will study and finally memorize the past, present, and future tenses of lie and lay. This may require me to track down and read a lot of technical manuals, but what a fun way to spend all the time I’ll have then.

            Someday, when I have more time, I’ll go through my home corner by corner and dispose of everything I don't need or want. This will work better if the family members it all belongs to aren't under house arrest with me.

(Dorothy Rosby is the author of several humor books, including I Used to Think I Was Not That Bad and Then I Got to Know Me Better. Contact drosby@rushmore.com.)