When I checked the turkey it was as cold as my darling’s heart.
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A lot of us work from home these days, so I think it’s about time to discuss why we’re not getting anything done.
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I still have my watch.. It sits on my wrist like a vestigial organ, though it’s prettier than an appendix.
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I grew up thinking that men invented football just to get out of doing dishes.
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The best thing I can say about this year is that there was plenty of time to clean all my closets. I didn’t, but I had time to.
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I have to eat every four or five hours if the people I love are going to continue loving me back.
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People who go through haunted houses without jumping obviously have sluggish reflexes and probably shouldn’t operate motorized vehicles.
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Why do you think God made wind? To blow your leaves into your neighbor’s yard, that’s why.
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It doesn’t seem right to replace a reliable refrigerator just because it occasionally flings a jar of mustard across the room. Nobody’s perfect.
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The Sturgis Motorcycle Rally is the granddaddy of all bike gatherings. (I know it’s sexist, but calling it the “grandmother” of all bike gatherings might get you killed.)
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If your area is suffering from drought, just hire me to come pitch a tent on your property.
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A fitness tracker, doesn’t know the difference between a walk you take because you’re highly motivated to get some exercise and one you take because you’re highly motivated to find your car keys.
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This is a story about the importance of being flexible. Or maybe it’s about the dangers of vanity. Or being overly cautious or just plain foolish.
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More than 17 million Americans suffer from friggatriskaidekaphobia though they seldom admit it, mainly because they can’t pronounce it.
Here’s a nice way to help your Valentine hear your side of things without having to listen to theirs.
I realize I’m late getting my Christmas letter out, but there’s a good reason for that: I’m late writing it
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It’s good to try before you buy—except for groceries. Don’t do that.
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Don’t slam doors; you never know who might be napping. Don’t ask a woman when her baby is due unless you’re ure she’s pregnant. And be kind to everyone you meet; you never know who might win the lottery next.
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If surveys were dollar bills, I could afford health insurance.
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I was planning to write an insightful and informative post on the subject of gasbags, being well-acquainted with many and having been called one myself on more than one occasion. But once again, being insightful and informative proved to be too much for me.
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