Raking leaves in our yard is like shoveling snow during a blizzard.
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I’ve swum with dolphins. Oh wait. Those were cows, and they weren’t swimming. They were drinking out of the lake I was swimming in.
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A lot of people are obsessed about getting at least 10,000 steps a day—at least they are for the first few days after they get a new fitness tracker.
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I’ll never call anyone a nitwit. At least not to their face.
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All I need is one TV channel that shows murder and mayhem suitable for folding clothes by.
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I’ve never skinny dipped and if I had I wouldn’t tell you anyway.
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If a man wants to understand what women endure when they wear pantyhose, he could try wearing his watch around his waist all day.
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I can store 6000 books on my e-reader but I can’t fit my sleeping bag back into the sack it came in.
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I thought it would be fun. I thought it would be easy. I thought I could get away with it.
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A lot of us work from home these days, so I think it’s about time to discuss why we’re not getting anything done.
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We’re most open to hearing another person’s opinion when it’s exactly like ours.
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Less than .07 percent of the population were born on leap day which makes them rare and exotic, like white buffalo, blue moons and affordable health insurance.
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Everything in my house is practically new because not long ago everything was old and it all quit working at the same time.
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Socks peek out beneath pant legs like diamond earrings peeking out from under a fancy hairdo.
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Stay cellphone stay!
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Hearing dogs bark “Jingle Bells” is a once-in-a-lifetime experience by which I mean once in a lifetime is enough.
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A lot of people think Christmas letters can be honest—or they can be interesting.
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If it weren’t for the promise of turkey noodle soup, I’d serve prime rib on Thanksgiving.
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